There were few motivators when I first started taking control of my life and body after having been diagnosed with AS.
In this post I want to thank and in a way honor them.
It was a weekend and we were leaving in Istanbul, it was freezing cold and snowing like never before. My husband wanted to go skiing, I didn’t want to because first of all I cannot ski only snowboarding and every time I went I couldn’t move from my bed for days, sometimes even weeks, I had to take VERY strong painkillers, cortisone and my whole system collapsed for weeks. So I said no, I don’t wanna go… at that exact moment my middle son Christian came and hugged me and said “Mami I wish so much that you wouldn’t have so many pains and aches, because you are so fun! We love to play with you but I know how much pain you have afterwards, that’s a shame…” He didn’t noticed, I just (as usual) made a joke about it and we all ended up laughing, but the truth is that I had to hide in my bathroom pretending that I took a shower because I couldn’t stop crying, I wished SO MUCH to be able to be more active and to be with them! But I didn’t know at that moment what to do.
After finding my way around, and starting to get control of my body, I had a breakdown. I felt guilty for being “selfish”. But one morning…
This time was a Saturday morning. During those days on weekends I used to wake up at 6 am, make breakfast for the three kids, took my board and went to the beach for a quick run and to do paddling, when I got back the kids just woke up and were having breakfast. Then we decided what they wanted to do and we did… Well that morning as usual I was just getting my board to put it in the roof but my eldest son walked into the parking when I was thinking about my “selfishness” and he said to me “Mami I love it how you look now” I looked at him surprised and ask him what he meant I thought he was talking about my tan and been more fit. He said “oh no mom, yes you look more pretty now, but I was talking about you! You look happy and I do not remember when was the last time that I saw you happy” My jaw dropped, I couldn’t believe what I just heard! He also said that seeing me happy he feels happy too, I hugged him so hard, and kissed him and promised him that from now on I will always be happy. And that has been my direction since then, my search for happiness.
That search wasn’t easy nor fast, and there were very tough days. Days were I wondered if I was doing well or regret my past, and blamed myself for things I did or didn’t do, and…
It was a Friday and my little girl, Nicole, loved Fridays! After school when she didn’t have a play date or a party we used to take long bath together, I will massage her feet and do “beauty treatments” to her. And there we are, in the bathtub, I had a horrible and sad day before they all came from school a day filled with regrets and suffering for the past, and out of the blue she looks at me and said “mami I am so happy that you are my mami! And that you have always been a stay home mami, because I am who I am just thanks to you and I LOVE who I am” Can you imagine how I felt??? This tiny little miracle of mine, this gorgeous pretty little thing that I brought into this world, said the right thing at just the right time. I love her so much, I was and I am so proud of her and having heard from her tiny little lips that it is thanks to me made me forget all the crap that I was into that day!
There are SO MANY other stories that I could share about my three miraculous and beautiful “masters”. Yes, I brought them into this world but they have kept me alive and filled with love, joy and yes fun!
They are my reason, my pride, my world and Universe and…
I thank whatever Gods might be for my three beautiful fountains of infinite love.
To my kids, Marco, Christian and Nicole.